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  • Hladini Shakti dasi (California)

I was Shocked, Scared, Elated and Freed!

Glories to the Devotees and Vaishnavas! Shrila Maharaj gave me more than I ever knew was available to pray for. My sense about Him is that He rescued me and permanently soothed my fears with His words. He gave things beyond what is mentionable and into the realms of things that can only be felt and experienced. Shrila Maharaj I have been wondering, how do I say “Thank you” to you? Once in Puri Dham after a darshan I did thank him, I sobbed it through my tears, he asked what, like he didn’t hear me, so I had to awkwardly repeat “I know I’m not suppose to say thank you, the guys who distribute prasad in the Sea Palace told me not to... but thank you.” He smiled and nodded His head. I was walking out and the sevak said my name as I exited , then He said “Good name.” I had been thinking maybe I had the wrong name for days, like maybe the sevaks had confused mine with someone else and I had the wrong name. I just wanted to be sure I heard him right, so now I said, “what?” Next, Him and the sevaks repeated back in unison “Good name,” as He smiled and nodded His head.

I have been wondering these past 2 years - is it more wonderful and astounding that He would read our minds? Or is it more wonderful and astounding that He chose to always answer them with such love and warmth and generosity? I am thinking it is the latter. I could never have asked - was my name mixed up? Did you actually name the sweet sister who got Harinam at the same time as me this high name and did the sevaks just accidentally mix them up? I could never have asked such a rude question, and He was never going to let me walk through this life with such a doubt and sense of confusion. This generosity to always peer into my heart and pull out my fear and wash it away… is there a sanskrit word for this? To me this is my Sri Guru who is perfect in love and generosity. Two words 1) Good 2) Name. This shocked me, scared me, elated me and most of all freed me. I feel he did this over and over on countless subjects and topics which I don’t yet know the words for.

Oh Maharaj, thank you for the syrup of your wandering languid gaze, and your ferocity to love though and past the dullness of my mind. Jai Shrila Bhakti Vijnana Bharati Gosvami Marahraj!

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