- Anonymous, Disciple
The Transcendental Network of Mercy
"Dear Srila Gurudeva,
Please accept my most humble and respectful pranamas at your divine lotus feet.
I was born in the darkness of ignorance, but my spiritual master has opened my eyes with the salve of transcendental knowledge. I offer pranama unto that Sri Gurudeva.
I don't know where to begin in glorifying you Srila Gurudeva; I feel totally inadequate. But, praying for your mercy, which is everything to me, I beg to attempt, according to my limited capacity, to try to speak something of your immense kindness upon this fallen soul.
""This rare human birth is not often found as we scour the fourteen planes of existence. A chance few, by astounding good fortune, get to glimpse a devotee of Sri Hari.""
(Guru-carana-Kamala Bhaja Mana,
Sri Srimad BV Narayana Gosvami Maharaja)
I had been feeling helpless, unable to progress in spiritual life and yearning for shelter; the shelter of one powerful enough to uplift and deliver me.
I had heard from the lotus mouth of Sri Srimad Gaura Govinda Swami Maharaja that with our material eyes, we cannot perceive, cannot know who is Sri Guru. Rather, only when we sincerely cry and pray for shelter; then, seeing our helplessness and genuine heartfelt cry, Sri Krsna will manifest Himself before us as Sri Guru.
Following Maharaja's instructions, feeling truly bereft, crying and praying in this way for five months, I was, by the greatest good fortune, brought into your transcendental association Srila Gurudeva. It happened in a wonderful, inconceivable way and I understood that there is a transcendental network of communication, of mercy; Sri Guru understands everything.
From the first day, you seemed to welcome me with loving affection, encouraging me to accept prasada from your divine hand again and again. You patiently and clearly answered my questions about Guru Tattva, removing all my doubts in moments with your complete and utter conviction and crystal clear sastric answers.
You had mentioned in one of your evening discourses that one on the level of bhava is simultaneously interacting with his eternal associates in the spiritual realm and with his sadhaka associates in this world. I remember you mentioning that such a liberated personality hides or conceals his exalted position.
When I went for my second darsan Srila Gurudeva, you mercifully lifted that concealment for a moment. Upon entering the room I was able to perceive your effulgence brightening the surroundings. You sat so graciously, appearing larger than life and uncommonly beautiful. I was stunned and could only sit and try to take in what I was seeing. Then you smiled very gently and lowered your eyes. By your unlimited mercy and compassion, and to inspire my faith, you revealed something that I wish to keep locked in my heart, but which essentially showed that you embody the principle of Akhanda Guru Tattva. I could then understand what is meant by Sri Guru being "a transparent via medium."
From then on Srila Gurudeva, you have shown so much mercy to this foolish person. By what great, inconceivable good fortune I have come under your shelter, I do not know.
Despite all this, I feel I could not really please you by following your instructions regarding chanting Harinama in the way you would have liked. I still struggle to improve, but that steadiness has not yet manifest in my heart. It is sadly lacking.
Please, my beloved spiritual father, do not be disappointed in me. Please bless me with more spiritual strength, more determination, more detachment from the temporary things of this world. I want to please you. I know your instructions are full of mercy and will grant me all good fortune, all success in spiritual life....and your association once again. Kindly overlook my faults and shortcomings.
Now you have disappeared from our earthly vision Srila Gurudeva. It happened so suddenly, so seemingly untimely.....at a time when I felt I had just gained your divine association.
You are waiting for me to become serious, become more sincere, waiting for me to follow your instructions with genuine submission.
.....You are still waiting.
""O Gurudeva, give me a drop of mercy and make this servant more humble than a blade of grass. Give me the strength to tolerate all eventualities and make me free from my vanity.""
When will I become purified so that I can perceive your presence and hear you speaking to instruct me? Encircled by Krsna's deluding energy, my consciousness has become extremely dull.
""Gurudeva, have mercy on me, take me as your own. I fall before you, taking shelter of you. Please grant me a place at your feet.
.....I am a servant of the Vaisnavas and am forever sold at the feet of my guru. O Master, please do not forget me who am all alone in this world. I am a beggar at your door. Please do not let your heart forget me.""
"Gurudeva, Kripa Karke"
Begging to be able to serve and please you,
Your aspiring servant"