"Your Aspiring Servant"
Dearest Śrīla Guru Mahārāja, All glories to your lotus feet! As I pray for the words to glorify you, I remember how causelessly merciful you are. You and Śrīla Gurudeva are my rays of hope. Without your grace, it is impossible to cross the ocean of nescience, what to speak of reach the transcendental realm at the lotus feet of Śrī Śrī Rādhā Kṛṣṇa. I sit here lamenting, with crocodile tears, having been bereft of your physical association. I cling to the questions, “how may I serve you, how may I please you?” I beg for your mercy, despite its munificent presence. I pray for the waves of separation to pull me, guide me, keep me under shelter. I am weeping, not out of separation, but out of deep shame for my inadequacies as an aspiring disciple. I am sitting calmly in the lap of Mahā Māyā, drinking in abundance only anarthas and aparādhas. When, oh when, will my sleeping soul wake up? When, oh when, will I please your Divine Grace? When, oh when, will I become a real disciple? Śrīla Guru Mahārāja, you so kindly gave me the greatest benediction and I do not have anything to show for it. I have no humility. It is only a fancy show, an act. I am an excellent performer. I have no good qualities. However, if by your Divine Grace, you deliver me, then I may be saved from the clutches of Māyā…then I may be saved from insincerity, inauthenticity…then I may begin to minutely understand the meaning of sevā. Śrīla Guru Mahārāja, since I am unqualified and unfit for any sevā directly at your lotus feet, the only way I may serve you is through your limbs [disciples]. I pray I never offend them, as this will result in an offense towards you. I pray I may learn from them how to please you. I pray I may imbibe their humility, tolerance, and respect for all. I pray I may cooperate with them to serve them always. I beg you to keep me close, to please forgive me and kindly never forsake me. Śrīla Bhakti Vijñāna Bhāratī Goswami Mahārāja ki Jaya!! Śrīla Bhaktivedanta Nārāyaṇa Goswami Mahārāja ki Jaya!! Śrī Rūpānuga Guru Varga ki Jaya!! Your aspiring servant